“What do you have for my children?”

As a pastor, I have been asked that question numerous times by well-meaning parents. Essentially, they want to know what ministries the church offers for children. Their desire for the spiritual good of their kids is commendable and some children’s programs are very useful. Sadly, though, too many parents are only looking for a ministry that will substitute for what they should be doing in their home. I eventually will look at the father and, as charitably as possible, ask, “What do you have for your children?”

I speak directly to the father because Ephesians 6:4 says, “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” Even though the word for “fathers” could be translated “parents” (as in Hebrews 11:23), “fathers” seems to be the more appropriate translation since God’s design for the home is loving, sacrificial male leadership (cf. Ephesians 5:22-25). Paul meant no insult toward mothers, as is evidenced in his call for children to obey and honor their parents in Ephesians 6:1-2. But in a home where both the father and mother are Christians, the father is ultimately responsible for the spiritual upbringing of his children.

In a sermon on Ephesians 6:1-4, Pastor John Piper illustrates the father’s obligation to lead:

If there is a problem with the children at the Piper household, and if Jesus knocks on the door, and Noel comes to the door, he is going to say, “Hello, Noel, is the man of the house home? We need to talk.” Not that Noel bears no responsibility, but I bear the leading responsibility in seeing that the children are brought up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.[1]

In Ephesians 6:4, Paul first tells dads what they must not have for their children: “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger.” A child will sometimes get mad because his father calmly and reasonably restrained or punished him. Paul’s concern, though, is the overbearing father who causes his child to become embittered and hostile. This exasperated child is unnecessarily driven to frustration.

A father could do numerous things to instigate such anger. For example, he could demean his child with statements like, “You’re so stupid.” Or, a dad could repeatedly discipline for certain behavior without ever addressing the child’s sinful heart and need for Christ, consequently robbing the child of hope and enflaming resentment.

Even not laughing with children (who will say and do hilarious things) might incite anger. Beatrice Cleland, in her poem “Portrait of a Christian,” was writing about her pastor in the following stanzas, but these words are easily applied to the father/child relationship:

Not only by the words you say

Not only in your deeds confessed

But in the most unconscious way

Is Christ expressed.

Was it a beatific smile,

Or holy light upon your brow?

Oh no, I felt His presence when

You laughed just now.

Positively, what must fathers have for their children? “Bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” There is undoubtedly a sense in which fathers must “let kids be kids” (playing outside, telling knock-knock jokes, etc.), but they need to know what God requires of them. Boundaries are required to teach a child right and wrong, to show them their need of a Savior, and to help them to have a disciplined life.

Furthermore, fathers must instruct their kids. Most educate them on the mechanics of throwing a baseball, and some dads are even obsessed with teaching their boys how to make funny sounds with different parts of their bodies. How much more important is it to diligently teach children Scripture? Teachable moments occur regularly, and taking 10 or 15 minutes after supper to discuss something from the Bible is a simple strategy that might lead a boy or girl to Jesus. Is there really anything more important a dad could desire for his child?

So, fathers, what do you have for your children?

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[1] From the sermon titled, “Marriage Is Meant for Making Children…Disciples of Jesus, Part 2,” located at www.desiringgod.org.

Copyright © 2010 Steve Burchett.

Ann and I have just spent the weekend (October 7-9) in Minneapolis, Minnesota, attending the third National Conference of Desiring God Ministries. The first (October, 2003), at which I spoke, was in celebration of the 300^th anniversary of Jonathan Edwards’ birth. Last year, the theme was Sex and the Supremacy of Christ. This year the theme was Suffering and the Sovereignty of God.

At the first session on Friday night, John Piper provided an overview of the conference theme by focusing on the reality of God’s sovereignty. His point was that God not simply has the right to exercise exhaustive sovereignty over his creation; he actually does it. “My purpose tonight,” said John, “is not to solve the problem of God’s sovereignty over evil, but to celebrate it.” To do so, he articulated ten principles of God’s power and sovereign oversight of all things, in particular, his sovereignty over Satan and all his nefarious schemes.

(1) First, let us celebrate that God is sovereign over Satan’s delegated world rule. As you know, Satan is described in 2 Corinthians 4:4 as “the god of this world.” In 1 John 5:19 we are told that “the whole world lies in the power of the evil one.” Therefore, it was no fluke or lie when Satan tempted our Lord in the wilderness with the promise of authority over the kingdoms of the earth. But whatever power Satan exerts over this world, he does so by divine delegation. He has no more power than God allows. He holds sway only by divine permission and within divinely ordained limits. Satan is not ultimately sovereign. Only God is.

(2) Second, let us celebrate that God is sovereign over Satan’s demons and evil spirits. Whenever Jesus confronted the enemy during his earthly ministry the gospels record that the spirits “obeyed” him. There was no debate, no bargaining, no eluding his rule by an appeal to some spiritual loophole. Demons are subject to the sovereign authority of Jesus. Paul made this explicitly clear in Ephesians 1 when he declared that all “rule and power and authority and dominion” have been subjected to the risen Christ and placed under his feet.

(3) Third, let us celebrate that God is sovereign over Satan’s hand in the persecution of believers. Satan can incite the oppression of God’s people and cause them to be cast into prison (Revelation 2:10). He can stir the hearts of the wicked to arrest and inflict considerable harm on the followers of Jesus, as well as slander them and unjustly accuse them. Peter clearly indicates that when this occurs it is only by the permissive will of God. “It is better to suffer from doing good,” he said, “if that should be God’s will, than for doing evil” (1 Peter 3:17). So, yes, Satan can do great physical harm, but only if and when God wills it.

(4) Fourth, let us celebrate that God is sovereign over Satan’s life-taking power. Satan can kill Christians, but again, only with God’s permission. We read in John 8:44 that Satan has been a murderer from the beginning. Job’s children were slaughtered by the hand of the enemy, but only because God first willed to grant him access to their lives. And James 4:13-16 makes it crystal clear that God’s will ultimately determines whether we live or die, whether we will conduct successful business or fail, indeed, whether we will continue to breathe beyond the time it takes to read this sentence.

(5) Fifth, let us celebrate that God is sovereign over Satan’s hand in natural disasters. According to Job 1, Satan was responsible for “fire” falling from heaven (probably lightning) and a great wind blowing, all with the result that Job’s family and servants were killed. But Satan’s power was derivative, not primary. For Job, there was more security and relief and hope and truth in despising Satan’s hateful hand and looking beyond him to the sovereign purpose of God. Thus, when he suffered all these tragedies, he declared, “The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away, blessed be the name of the Lord” (Job 1:21).

(6) Sixth, let us celebrate that God is sovereign over Satan’s sickness causing power. We read in Acts 10:38 that Jesus went about healing all who were oppressed by the devil (see also Luke 13). So, yes, Satan can cause sickness and much physical distress. But he is not sovereign in such affairs. God is. Again, in the case of Job, Satan’s access and ability to inflict Job with sore boils was only by virtue of God’s permission. In the final analysis, Satan has no power or authority of himself, but only by the decree and determination of God and his infinite wisdom.
(7) Seventh, let us celebrate that God is sovereign over Satan’s use of animals and plants. The enemy is often portrayed in Scripture as using animals and plants to inflict harm and sickness and death. But Satan cannot make them do what God does not will them to do. It was God who appointed a “great fish” to swallow Jonah. It was God who caused the fish to “vomit out” Jonah. It was God who appointed both a plant to provide Jonah with shade and a worm to eat and destroy it.

(8) Eighth, let us celebrate that God is sovereign over Satan’s temptations to sin. Whereas Judas was prompted to betray Jesus by the power of the enemy (see John 13), what he did was ultimately in fulfillment of what God had prophesied in Scripture (Acts 1:16). Whereas the rulers of Rome and Israel were enticed by the devil to crucify Jesus, it was God who delivered up his Son by a predetermined plan (see Acts 2 and 4).

(9) Ninth, let us celebrate that God is sovereign over Satan’s mind-blinding power. Satan’s only hope to thwart the success of the gospel is by blinding and deceiving the minds of those who hear it. But God’s sovereign grace shines a light into the hearts of sinners to make known to them his glory as revealed in the face of Jesus Christ (2 Cor. 4:4-6).

(10) Tenth, and finally, let us celebrate that God is sovereign over Satan’s spiritual bondage. How does Satan seek to hold people in spiritual bondage? By two means: either pleasure or pain. In the former case, he tries to deceive us into believing that the world and the flesh offer greater and more satisfying pleasures than God does. In the latter, he uses pain and discomfort to convince us that God is not worthy of our trust. But God provides joy that is infinitely full and spiritual pleasures that never end (Psalm 16:11). As for pain, he promises that he will orchestrate all things, even trials and tragedies and disappointments, to work for our ultimate spiritual good (Romans 8:28).

A week ago we considered the scriptural principle of forgiving each other as the Lord has forgiven us (Col. 3:13).  The paradigm, the overarching principle that guides our forgiving of others is the forgiveness of God that we experience in Christ.  The great commission according to Jesus as recorded in Luke is “that repentance and forgiveness of sins should be proclaimed in His name to all the nations” (Luke 24:27).

God offers forgiveness to all and grants forgiveness to all that repent.  We noted that God’s forgiveness is gracious – that is, regardless of the enormity (how big the sin is) or the innumerability (how many sins we commit) of our sins, God freely forgives us – He no longer holds them against us, if we repent, that is, if we confess and purpose in our hearts to forsake them (Prov. 28:13).

Secondly, God’s forgiveness is faithful.  Sin is not ignored nor excused; it is justly punished – either in Christ or in hell.  God is true to His character and to His word,”If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness (1 John 1:9).

Likewise God commands us to be faithful and gracious in dealing with the sins of one another.  Biblical love covers sin when it can (when it has not affected the relationship) and confronts when it must (when the relationship has been affected).  Just as God is reconciled to us through the forgiveness of our sins (2 Cor. 5:19; Col. 1:14), so, when others sin against us, there cannot be full reconciliation unless sin is repented of, allowing forgiveness.

Now to some, the conditionality of this pattern is troublesome.  For decades, especially through the influence of a book by Lewis B. Smedes, “Forgive and Forget: Healing the Hurts We Don’t Deserve” published in 1984, and warmly endorsed by Dr. Robert H. Schuller, we’ve been told that forgiveness isn’t about reconciliation, it’s about self-healing.  It’s either forgive or be bitter.  Given that choice, certainly all of us would rather forgive.

But it isn’t just the theologically liberal that have difficulty with conditional forgiveness.  Many conservative, evangelical and even reformed brothers and sisters have a hard time with the idea of granting forgiveness only to the repentant.  In my experience, both in my reading and in personal conversations, inevitably the reason that some are critical of conditional forgiveness is that they have seen some very bad examples of what that apparently looks like.  Obsessive confronters, judgmental, aloof, nursing grudges and refusing to relinquish bitterness – because the offending party has not repented.

Now let me quickly say that some may indeed theologically differ with the perspective of conditional forgiveness that I am here defending – and are not doing so for the reactive reason that I’ve just stated, and with them I will gladly seek to explain what I think the Bible clearly teaches.  But my observation repeatedly has been that this doctrine is rejected by some because it has been mishandled by some of its advocates.

Let’s be very plain about what I am defending.  It is always wrong to indulge bitterness.  Far from being judgmental, aloof, begrudging or known for confronting, the context of the text I preached from exhorts the framework of “compassion, kindness, humility, meekness, patience, forbearance..and above all..love” (Col. 3:12-14). Like God, it is crucial that we always “stand ready to forgive” (Neh. 9:17).  That we pray for those that mistreat us, that we do them good, that we never take revenge – I’ll refrain from re-preaching my sermon.

Let me add that the so-called doctrine of immediate or unconditional forgiveness – that forgives another person regardless of their repentance; that kind of “forgiveness” may itself breed bitterness.  Just because you say everything is OK doesn’t make everything OK.  And if a person has not owned up to their wrongdoing, acknowledged it and sought reconciliation with you – just because you act like the issue isn’t here, doesn’t make it go away.  God has established a just world and created us in His image – and reconciliation is conditioned on forgiveness, forgiveness is conditioned on repentance.

But now – the reason that I write this is that some, in imitation of the devil and the world may excuse withholding forgiveness because they don’t deem there to have been sufficient repentance in the offender.  We are called to be quick to forgive, ready to forgive, forward to forgive, profuse in forgiveness.  “Faithful are the wounds of a friend” (Prov. 27:6) yes, but there is no greater virtue than love (1 Cor. 13).  And “God shows His love for us in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.”  Not repentant sinners – quite the opposite, he demonstrated mercy when we “were by nature children of wrath, even as the rest of mankind” (Eph. 2:3-4).

In 1 Corinthians Paul had to exhort the believers to excommunicate an unrepentant man who had been involved immorally with his step-mother (1 Cor. 5).  Near the beginning of the second letter he’s having to exhort these same believers to now extend forgiveness to this repentant man.  Note carefully Paul’s words, “So you should rather turn and comfort him, or he may be overwhelmed by excessive sorrow.  So I beg you to reaffirm your love for him” (2 Cor. 2:7-8).

Love compels us to go to a brother or sister when they’re in sin, and again when they’re unrepentant (Matt. 18:15-17).  Love compels us again to forgive those that confess and acknowledge their sin – because, says the word of God – a lack of forgiveness may overwhelm a brother or sister with excessive sorrow.  I don’t know if you’ve ever been there, but I have – and if any are twisting the doctrine of conditional forgiveness into reluctant forgiveness, or a refusal to forgive – they are playing into the hand of the devil, as Paul concludes:  “We forgive…so that we would not be outwitted by Satan; For we are not ignorant of his designs.” (2 Cor. 2:10, 11)

Satan and this world would have people either disregard conditional forgiveness or abuse it.  Let us not forsake a truth of God’s word because some misuse it – but by all means, let us never be those who justify their hard heartedness under the guise of feigned obedience.  Their condemnation is just. “Forgive one another as the Lord has forgiven you.”